raison d'être

What is your raison d'être?  This simple phrase haunts me with it's not so simple meaning.  What is your reason for being?  The weight of the notion of having a place is awesome and nauseating.

On the slightest chance that you find your lot in life (it might not be a lot, but it's your life) and you like it consider yourself lucky.  Deep down inside every being there is a need to be...useful?  Perhaps wanted, left alone, productive, active, or maybe even inspired?  I'm not sure.  Being human means I know I can't speak for the next human but knowing that I am human means that I certainly will try.  For reasons beyond my understanding?  Cloud be.  For the chance that I might understand another?  Possibly.  For the hope that I can understand myself?  Most definitely.

The thought that everything has a reason for being is a glorious one, but it only seems glorious if you like your reason for being.  I hate that at this moment my raison d'être is to please everyone I know and be so pleasant and happy about it.  To make it seem like I ooze sunshine and rainbows from my pores.  To keep sparkles in my eyes, a skip in my step, and be eager to make everyone's wishes come true.  Dear God, I'm a bippity boppity boo away from loosing my mind.  It stands to reason that if I liked being an eternally happy people pleaser my reason for being would be ideal.

Do I sound bitter?  You might be thinking, "Oh, yeah".  It's ok, I think so too and there's nothing wrong with that.  If I felt content all the time about my ridiculousness or the ridiculousness of other people I would think something was wrong.  Being pissed about where you are, what your doing, how your doing it and at the world is normal.  It's educating and down right entertaining when you look back at it.  

If I could would I change my reason for being right now?  Hell yeah!  However, I know that if I changed it know, I wouldn't get the lesson I need to to survive in my future.